Thursday, July 30, 2009


God's grace is so completely amazing!!! My husband and I had an incredible time last night, which was beyond our wildest expectations. We met up with a couple of people and it rocked. There was a peace last night when the four of us got together that we had been missing for over a year and a half. I was anxious before we met to the point I was certain that if I ate I would throw up all over these people. And anyone who knows me should know that if I don't eat, something is very wrong with me, obviously I must be ill.

I was so afraid that we would walk away in a worse place then the mess we were already in. That was my ultimate fear. Nothing like that happened, instead it was more than I had hoped for all of this time. I got two of my friends back, and I was so completely thrilled (and relieved). These are two wonderful people who I am glad to have back in my life. They are loving, loyal, deeply faithful people. These people are about to have a baby and I could not be more happy for them. I hope and pray that everything continues to go well.

So, now I would like to say "mission accomplished," however I think I will just say that this mission is underway. We have a lot to catch up on, so it could take awhile to caught up again. However, from last night forward my approach for these relationships will be respectful and loving. Contrary to what I thought I was capable of giving, I trust these people completely. God has given me a gift that I cannot ignore. I feel elated to be able to have this love and trust in my heart. I have faith that God will forever be in our hearts and in our relationships with each other.

Now I guess I have to focus on the next big thing! August 1st is fast approaching!! :)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Feeling peaceful

While I was driving home this morning from dropping my son off at my in-law's house I was struck with how peaceful I felt. I don't know if being able to play my music in the car helped or it was the amazingly beautiful weather outside. Regardless of what it was that lead me to feel this way, I will be thankful. Whenever I feel peace in my heart, my day is so much easier. Today will most likely be filled with highs and lows, some of which I am looking forward to, others not so much.

I get to have lunch with an old friend and her family (with their NEW BABY)! Who could not be excited about that prospect? :) I will spend some time with my Mom, which should be enjoyable. And last but not least my husband and I will meet up with people to have a heart-to-heart discussion. While I look to make peace with this couple this evening, I am also hoping that there will be no more additional damage done to this already extremely fragile relationship. My greatest fear is that these individuals will not hear what is in our hearts (because my mouth might get in the way for my part). I don't necessarily always have this problem, however it seems to happen regularly with these particular individuals.

I will be praying most of the day, as I have been for months now, that God will lift my heart and help me to express myself in a loving and respectful way. Most of my closer friends question why I even bother with this issue. One of my character traits (and what many would consider a weakness) has always been to seek resolution when there is conflict and apologize when there is hurt. However, I have been told that there is no point because my friends believe the other people to be insincere. How could anyone know this? Only God knows what is in this couple's hearts and frankly, I would not consider myself to be even close to understanding others as God does.

I am not going to say what will be, will be, however I will say that I will attempt to meet the challenge I am faced with as I mentioned in my last post. May God watch over me and continue to guide me to a life lead in God's image.

On another note, may God please watch over my husband's family members as they begin to feel the loss of a wonderful woman who was a mother, sister, wife, and grandmother. May Eleanor be received into the greatest kingdom there is ever to be. And may God watch over our family that is traveling today both to come to be together to honor and celebrate Eleanor's life and those who are on a little trip up north (my son and mother in-law, etc).

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The beginning....

So I have felt as if I have been at a crossroads for quite some time and I have resisted doing anything about it. How does one avoid this you ask? I figured I could sit at an intersection for a while to see what pattern the traffic was following (virtually forever) in order to decide which road to take. However, sitting in one place has never really let me move forward or backwards. Funny how that works....

Tomorrow I embark on a healing mission, one that many in my life disagree with my doing. However, the issue at hand has weighed heavily on my heart and soul for between one and a half to two years. Now is the time God is calling me to work this out to the best of my ability. I feel that I am being challenged to listen more and talk less, be patient and not rush to conclusions, be genuine and true of heart instead of insincere, and remember how to truly forgive and not hold onto the pain. It seems so easy, but after being hurt so deeply, I am struggling. This conflict between people and within myself has been killing part of my heart slowly but surely.

I want to hear those magic words, "I'm sorry for hurting you for so long," however I don't know if I will be on the receiving end of such words. Which leads me to wonder if I can express this very sentiment without knowing if the other person is equally sad about hurting my feelings. The reality is that I let myself be hurt by this person's actions, they did not straight out hurt me as only I control my feelings.

I have prayed about these issues that I have both with these two people and the problems that I have with myself as well. I feel like God has been watching me sitting there frozen for some time and wondering what else can be done to reach me. What else can God do to help me realize that I have all of the faith I need to move on and choose a path for myself? And I find myself relying on a saying that I learned on a retreat ten years ago during college, "Let go, let God."

So, tomorrow I will pray and remember that God is forever going to be there for me, encouraging me to recall who is in control of the feelings in my heart. I may not be in control of many things in my life, but how I deal with these issues and how I treat these people are completely in my control. Hopefully I will continue to learn how to be humble and do as Jesus did.

So as of tomorrow I will begin to work on remembering what it is to live in God's image, the one God intended not the one I have created. I am embarking on a life-changing mission as of this week and weekend. I love beginning things on particular or special days, like the first day of a week or month, so I will spend the rest of the week awaiting Saturday, August 1, 2009 to arrive. I am going to think about that day as a "Grand Reawakening" and go from there. I have been praying and thinking about this for some time and at this point I have realized that it is now or never to make my move.

So while I have some specific goals to achieve in the remainder of this year until next August 1st, my ultimate goal will be to learn how to have peace and joy in my life (and in my heart). One of the more superficial missions has to do with health, for example losing weight would be at the top of the list. Other goals have to do what I want for my family for the future, such as solidifying a foundation for my young marriage of almost four years and my two year-old son. One goal or mission always seems to run into the next, so we'll see where this leads me...

My aim in this blog is to share my successes and frustrations along the way, knowing that everything happens for a reason and God will always be there to guide me if I remember to seek God out.