Wednesday, September 9, 2009

More frustration

I find myself to be at odds with myself these days. I think of weight loss and somehow (unbeknownst to me) I suddenly get very hungry and insist on eating ridiculous things (calorie laden things)! Why would I do such a thing, knowing that it won't help my chances of getting on the right track??? Excellent question.

Now, please, if someone has the answer feel free to fill me in on the secret. I am wondering if somehow I inadvertently think I am going to starve and never eat anything I like again if I am on the right track and losing weight. I like to work in black and white and not gray. Anyone who has known me for a while knows this too. That was the whole point of picking WW to be my guide in the quest to lose weight. If I follow this magical formula then, I too can look like Heidi Klum after several babies. Now for those of you who know me, that train left the station a LONG TIME AGO (long before I got married and pregnant). But at least I wanted to be well on my way to losing the first 10 pounds 5 weeks ago and look at what happened. I think I gained four pounds in the last five weeks!!!!

After four years of not having a winter coat, I finally accepted my size and went and bought a freaking winter coat. Now mind you I live in the Midwest where last year the true temperature was in the -20's for some time, the windchills were far lower than that. Now, I do realize that one might not call me a poster mother or the best example for my son when I go out in a mere fleece jacket and a flannel shirt in such weather. However, for the record I did bundle my little monster up so that no part of him was exposed; in fact, he was so bundled up that he could barely move some of the time. Back to my point-I bought the coat because I thought that if I accepted where I was finally then I could move forward and get where I want to get going.

Not working, just in case anyone was wondering. How can one know something intellectually and still feel paralyzed and not do anything? I know all of the wonderful things that can happen if I work hard on losing weight, however I can't seem to even get into a short rhythm going to make this happen. I just keep saying after this party, or after Labor Day, now I am wondering if it will even be in this month. I am the only one who can make this happen so we shall see what the next couple of days brings....

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The ultimate frustration

So, I am not really sure where to begin...

I am itchy and really annoyed (I began here because I can't seem to ignore this one). I have hives on my feet and legs and I CAN'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY. In truth when the nurse said something about calling my internist if I had them for more than three days, I thought she was out of her mind. Day three has arrived and I thought we would have come to a much better place by now. ARGH!

So I just found out that my brother in-law and my sister in-law are having a baby girl. Good news, right? Of course it is. I am just having a difficult time jumping onboard the over-the-moon happiness train. I am happy for them, but sometimes I get stuck in the poor me routine. Poor, poor Kristin who can't seem to lose weight so she too might have a chance at having another child. After recent miscarriages, I am not too excited about the thought of getting pregnant if it means that I will lose another baby.

I don't even want to lose weight (I need to lose) under the guise of having another child truth be told. The likelihood that I will have another child seems slim. For now, I am unwilling to accept that notion. After I had my son I ended up in cardiac and respiratory failure, so not too many people are excited at the prospect of me getting pregnant. The doctor told me almost two years ago that we would have to "table" the converstation where we discuss my getting pregnant again. Now, after talking to the nurse practitioner that I deal with in the office, I have found out that the doctor is never going to want to have another discussion with me regarding pregnancy. No doctor in their right mind is going to say, "Sure Kristin you go ahead and get pregnant right now." Not if they are in their right mind.

There is no doctor that can guarantee an amazing outcome when the patient suffered greatly after a previous pregnancy like I did. Therefore, wouldn't it be foolish to give me the go-ahead? Probably, however any one who has known me for a while knows that I delight in foolishness aparently. All I can think of lately is how as soon as I lose the weight that I need to lose I will pass go and collect $200. I don't think about all of the other things that will be better if I lose the weight, such as my cardiovascular health, my cholesterol levels, my physical comfort, the condition of my knees, etc. Why is this?

Why can't I focus on the things that I almost know for certain will change with losing weight? Lately I have felt like my husband has helped me get to this point. I appreciate him saying that he loves me just the way I am. However, I DON'T love me just the way I am! I want to feel better physically, and I see T as not being very helpful. He sabotaged me the other day, truly he did. Under the guise of making me FEEL BETTER, he bought POTATO CHIPS and freaking FRENCH ONION DIP. What kind of husband does this to their wife?!?!?

Why not just have the wagon waiting for me, or perhaps he should rent out the crane. He was supposed to be helping me learn Weight Watchers. I don't think that eating french onion dip and chips will help me manage my daily points on the program. Yes, I know in theory one can eat anything they want to eat on the program, however I probably ate enough points for the better part of a week (if not the whole week). Now I do realize I am responsible for what I put into my mouth, however I like to narrow my options when I am at home to minimize the damage.

What am I to do?