Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The ultimate frustration

So, I am not really sure where to begin...

I am itchy and really annoyed (I began here because I can't seem to ignore this one). I have hives on my feet and legs and I CAN'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY. In truth when the nurse said something about calling my internist if I had them for more than three days, I thought she was out of her mind. Day three has arrived and I thought we would have come to a much better place by now. ARGH!

So I just found out that my brother in-law and my sister in-law are having a baby girl. Good news, right? Of course it is. I am just having a difficult time jumping onboard the over-the-moon happiness train. I am happy for them, but sometimes I get stuck in the poor me routine. Poor, poor Kristin who can't seem to lose weight so she too might have a chance at having another child. After recent miscarriages, I am not too excited about the thought of getting pregnant if it means that I will lose another baby.

I don't even want to lose weight (I need to lose) under the guise of having another child truth be told. The likelihood that I will have another child seems slim. For now, I am unwilling to accept that notion. After I had my son I ended up in cardiac and respiratory failure, so not too many people are excited at the prospect of me getting pregnant. The doctor told me almost two years ago that we would have to "table" the converstation where we discuss my getting pregnant again. Now, after talking to the nurse practitioner that I deal with in the office, I have found out that the doctor is never going to want to have another discussion with me regarding pregnancy. No doctor in their right mind is going to say, "Sure Kristin you go ahead and get pregnant right now." Not if they are in their right mind.

There is no doctor that can guarantee an amazing outcome when the patient suffered greatly after a previous pregnancy like I did. Therefore, wouldn't it be foolish to give me the go-ahead? Probably, however any one who has known me for a while knows that I delight in foolishness aparently. All I can think of lately is how as soon as I lose the weight that I need to lose I will pass go and collect $200. I don't think about all of the other things that will be better if I lose the weight, such as my cardiovascular health, my cholesterol levels, my physical comfort, the condition of my knees, etc. Why is this?

Why can't I focus on the things that I almost know for certain will change with losing weight? Lately I have felt like my husband has helped me get to this point. I appreciate him saying that he loves me just the way I am. However, I DON'T love me just the way I am! I want to feel better physically, and I see T as not being very helpful. He sabotaged me the other day, truly he did. Under the guise of making me FEEL BETTER, he bought POTATO CHIPS and freaking FRENCH ONION DIP. What kind of husband does this to their wife?!?!?

Why not just have the wagon waiting for me, or perhaps he should rent out the crane. He was supposed to be helping me learn Weight Watchers. I don't think that eating french onion dip and chips will help me manage my daily points on the program. Yes, I know in theory one can eat anything they want to eat on the program, however I probably ate enough points for the better part of a week (if not the whole week). Now I do realize I am responsible for what I put into my mouth, however I like to narrow my options when I am at home to minimize the damage.

What am I to do?

1 comment:

  1. oh honey!!!

    I totally hear you on the weightloss. UGH.

    And I understand where you are coming from w/ regards to wanting another baby.


    I love you.