Short Circuit

Well I would like to say that I never have doubts, however that would be a giant lie. Everyone should have been at my home a week and a half ago to see my melt-down. People talk about a toddler's meltdown, but mine was just as awesome. I freaked out after M had his first preschool tumbling class at our local YMCA. It might be hilarious if there was a video of the mess I became shortly after leaving. I was almost speechless (and anyone who knows me understands just how rare that is); we were supposed to go and eat dinner at a good friend's house and I couldn't manage. I had to go home immediately; I whizzed in the door and laid down on the bed rocking myself. My dear husband was questioning me as to why I was upset and what we were going to do for dinner as we were canceling our plans. I just told him to leave like a 13 year-old yells at a younger sibling who is annoying them to no end.

But of course that didn't work with my husband who is way past that point in his life. He just kept on insisting that I needed to talk to him. There was nothing to say as I had no idea why I was short circuiting. I was being honest and was all the more distraught that I had no way to verbalize how I was feeling. He finally took our son and sought out dinner for us so I had some quiet time to try and calm myself down.

I sat down on the couch after the coast had cleared and started working on why in the world I was freaking out. Here's what I came up with....

I suddenly realized that I had two and a half years to prepare my son for kindergarten and in essence the rest of his life. The questions came at me fast and furious, all with the same theme - was I doing alright as a parent??? You can't love your child enough, but were our child-rearing decisions going to produce a bright, social, well-behaved child? I began questioning every decision, big and little. Should I continue to work from home? Was I ignoring my child's needs? Did I register him in additional classes at the Y to expose him to additional experiences? Did I find play groups that had children his age? What reality were our decisions creating for our son?

So, as you can see I had a meltdown because I was questioning my parenting abilities. I bet no one else has ever done that before...unlikely. I knew in my heart of hearts that all of this would take time. I could not judge his readiness for school after his first tumbling class. Fast forward to Saturday morning when he took his first swimming lesson. We decided to do swimming classes with a parent because we thought that would make things easier all around for him to get used to the environment. I thought I was going to have a stroke almost the entire class. Because I am not dying to get into a bathing suit in a public place where I frequent and people might recognize I encouraged T to take him in the pool.

The entire lesson I could only focus what he wasn't doing to participate. Believe it or not I actually taught swimming lessons and spent years of my life in the water as a competitive swimmer and eventually a lifeguard. I could not handle the experience any better than tumbling...I kept trying to micromanage from the bench. I was that mom. Shameful really. I should have been ashamed, but instead I was once again in the position that I was freaking out about his never learning how to swim. I bet he completes every lesson just like I did and does better.

I don't give my child near enough credit to grow and learn at his own pace. Lesson to self: Don't micromanage from the side when you won't get in the water yourself. Also, don't harass the person who willingly gets in the water and has a preschooler glued to his neck like his life depends on it. So, I know you will all understand why I am not going to lessons this week. God must have known I needed to stay away because I took other co-worker's shifts this week during both lessons not realizing I wouldn't be able to attend. It's as if someone is being really direct about how I need to take some time and deal. My child is going to grow up and every step of the way there are going to be things that are difficult for him, however if I expect him to do a somersault in the first class like a pro, why would I sign him up??

I guess I still have as much or more to learn than my son at this point in his life. Better start working on that....

Another one bites the dust

And another day ends...

Thank goodness for sleep! I fully intend to indulge in my sleeping habit for as long as possible tonight and into the morning. I don't have to work until 9am so dreamland it will be. :)

On a happy note I am really looking forward to this summer with Matt. He is such a delight to do things with these days and always excited for the next adventure. I just really hope that we hold up our end of things to schedule and execute all of those fun adventures while the weather is warm.

Maybe we should start scheduling soon!!! If anyone has ideas, please feel free to comment and offer up suggestions. :)

Another day, another dollar...

I really want a brownie right now. If you ask me why I am unsure why; it seems like that would solve my world's issues. Clearly unlikely! Just called 2 different Caribou stores and they are both out of them. What is the world coming to?!? I would actually leave my home after 9pm to buy a brownie. I am not one of the most savvy or smart individuals out there (obviously). I would also love a mocha, and strangely enough I have everything in my place to make such an item. So why would I want to waste gas and money when I could make this very thing in my kitchen? I really don't know. It's become my hobby to throw money at Caribou and Starbucks lately and I am certain they appreciate it. My checking account is crying on the other hand, almost weeping.

I want comfort ultimately and someone else making my drink somehow offers me just that. I swear it tastes better! In the end I am not going to leave and go out seeking an elusive elixir to soothe myself. Most likely I can find something, such as writing on here, that will make a fine substitute. This is what I am going to tell myself.

So as for the title of this post...I work from home which I have mentioned before and it used to be almost fun. However, right now it's the bane of my existence. No lie. Seriously. This job is slowly sucking the joy out of my days. Now mind you I have been picking up extra hours because money sings in my checking account every week that I receive a paycheck. Anyways, working is becoming tough and not really because the weather has been so awesome (which it has) or because I dislike working. Nope, not in the least. I love being able to interact with other adults and making a difference (albeit very tiny)in some anonymous person's life. Because of course the people I police on a website have no real idea of who I am. I could be someone in India for all they know. I LOVE the women I work with and it's such a blessing to have some of them as my friends too. Bur recently my job tasks changed and it's stressful every hour I work.

But I digress. I took the job as a means to save a little more money for a down payment on a house and that is what it shall become in the next month or so, just in time to celebrate my one year anniversary working for the site. Hahaha! I can't believe that I haven't saved more. In my defense we actually put off so much over the previous years that we needed to do some catching up with buying some "stuff." And of course I may have indulged a little more in the eating out category and buying some little stuff that I might not have needed. So yet another day that I have worked passes and tomorrow is yet another day that I will continue to earn a little bit more to currently contribute to all of our family graduates (people even more desperate for money right now). :)

On a completely different note. I really miss my siblings, one of which is abroad and the other who is located across the country. I have picked up the phone numerous times to call one of them realizing that one can't take my calls right now and the other is actually working. Argh! Oh well, at least the world traveler will arrive back in the states in a few days and then I can call and annoy to no end. And I can keep stalking the other sibling in case there is a chance of loneliness or missing me (most unlikely).

My goal for this week is to make it to Friday and enjoy my wonderful, beautiful, amazing day off! Thank you God for making this possible, and in case you're reading this God, I am kindly requesting mild weather with no rain. Just in case. Always be prepared...

Strung out. Period.

I am so incredibly tired and my knee is killing me. I would like to say that is the end of my whining, however I am sure I will whine just a bit more before I hit the hay tonight. Between Matt and work I am at my wit's end. Six hours of work doesn't seem that bad and especially when one can work from home. Let me just say what I think moms and dads everywhere would say - easier said than done. Working from home can be brutal. Yes, you don't necessarily have to pay for childcare or a wardrobe to work outside of the house in. However, you end up ignoring your child to some degree because work is calling and your home gets messier by the minute.

Everyone talks about how jealous they are of me and sometimes I just wish I worked in an office so I could work in peace. I love my son more than almost anyone...but at three and a half he still needs a great deal of interaction. And right now I have never worked harder than I do at this job. This job suddenly became much more complicated and difficult lately due to a promotion on the website. I am sure some of my friends think I have gone into witness protection because I no longer want to leave my home. In my spare time I try to sleep and keep up at home or hang out with my now retired Mom.

I can't wait for Friday; it will not come soon enough! So as for the catching up...I will work on a month of events each day starting Friday (my first day off).

Until then I am off to take a shower and ice my knee...and probably indulge in a little ibuprofen. :)

Sunday is just the beginning...

Well, at least I made it one more day writing on the blog! Nah, just kidding...I am trying very hard to start a mini-revolution for myself. :) I spent a great deal of time writing late last night or what some call early in the morning. This is a hard process to get back into the grind of remembering to write stuff down and such. We shall see.

So, I might have promised a more complete update, however I didn't get to my pics today and we were out and about most of the day. Therefore, it will have to wait until tomorrow or later this week. And, while the day is not over, I have not had any big/scary problems with anxiety!!! Thank GOD! Makes life sooo much easier.

So, I might have gotten lost along the way...

Ok, I have not perished or entered into the witness protection plan. However, I might have gotten a little lost along the way over the last several months. I have a couple of friends, let's just call them Lee and Cali, who have been very supportive about my blogging. I on the other hand have been lazy and have struggled with this notion. So much happens and I never seem to find the time to write about it or the will to tell a crazy tale. Theoretically I am supposed to be journaling to relieve my anxiety, so I would assume this could take its place (to some degree).

Tonight I had an anxiety attack and I really didn't appreciate it at all. For the record, they are not welcome visitors in any way...until now. Tonight I thought I was going to lose it and we would have to go to the ER for me to be sedated. And here I am, writing and doing alright. One could almost say that I had a breakthrough. I was watching a movie which I surmised to be a comedy and perhaps I should start reading the movie info before I decide what kind of movie it might be in the future. Everything's Fine is by no means a comedy unless the ending, which I did not watch, becomes funny. It is all about death, surviving the loss of a loved one, lying, and serious health issues.

The last item mentioned would be the most important for me (as well as the first). I am terrified (and I mean truly terrified in the seizing up way) of being somewhere and not being able to receive appropriate medical care for breathing or heart issues. Now I can't say that I haven't been able to get proper care as I have always been in the right place at the right time for everything. I feel like I am definitely reliving the nightmare after having Matt over and over again and I got wonderful care so promptly at that time.

I keep having that gut seizing fear that my breathing is going to be seriously compromised and my heart is going to fail and I will be out of luck. I will never be able to truly explain how I felt in those moments when my breathing was so labored and I was choking, while watching the oxygen saturation numbers go down into the low 70's without a clue as to the why. I know that I became combative (normal when O2 sat is that low) and was being introduced to the respiratory team in the ICU. That is the last thing I remember other than my Mom trying desperately to calm me and convince me to leave the O2 mask on or they would have to restrain me. It was almost comical to me that the nurse mentioned (while they rolled me in at neck-breaking speed) that they would have to put me in a room with a male and they hoped I would understand. I can honestly say at that moment the ONLY thing I was thinking about was my breathing and choking. It wasn't like we were going to be roomies and chat over magazines.

I woke up with a sense that things were drastically different then when I "went to sleep." My Mom was sitting right next to my bed and I knew that I was on a ventilator when I awoke. I was confused for obvious reasons and I had some serious catching up to do. I had a million and one questions to ask and no way to ask them. Someone kindly offered me some paper and a pen to start the process. I think the OB came first and I asked her what happened and could I have more children. Now why in God's name that would come up so quickly in my mind, I have not a clue in the world. I don't completely remember everything I wrote about or asked, however that answer is forever imprinted on my heart and soul. "No, you should never have another child again. It could kill you."

Now, frankly let's just say I have spent the first three years of my son's life in complete denial. I took precautions to not become pregnant, which was extremely painful because I wanted 4-6 kids with M just being my first. I refused to believe that my pregnancy caused the heart failure. Instead I decided with my multitude of medical knowledge that my sepsis clearly caused my heart and respiratory failure. Now to be honest I hadn't mentioned it until now because now I know, courtesy of an incredible cardiologist at Loyola that pregnancy is the real reason my heart failed. My heart was failing through the second half of my pregnancy. Devastating news in my world given to me almost a year after M was born. Now if you look up peripartum cardiomyopathy you will find support sites and research (although very little). What I chose to focus on were the sites that women went on and told their stories, mostly how they survived and went on to have more children.

So, last year when I got pregnant twice over (very much unplanned and unexpected) in the end I was going to be ok (thrilled) with it. After my second miscarriage I told my husband that I was not willing to go through that again, esp since that news came about after a dramatic hospitalization. The shock, the peace, the build-up and anticipation, the worry, the fear, then the horrible news, and lastly the incredible pain (physical and emotional) of going through a miscarriage was too much to keep doing. I needed to reassess. I still in my heart want children more than almost anything, although right now I am willing to focus on saving for a house and a new car, and gaining my health back one step at a time.

I am not sure the yearning to have more children will pass, however for now it is off the table. With the anxiety surrounding health issues I might very well be out of commission if I were to become pregnant. For the first time in my life (including the last 3.5 years) I am scared (um, probably trembling and terrified) of pregnancy. I am so incredibly envious of people who have had typical deliveries and no issues later. Though not for a second have I ever regretted having my son even if the experience almost killed me. His life is the greatest blessing in my life outside of my husband and my family, which as far as I am concerned includes many friends too.

I just wish for a time where I can be healthy and content, have a chance to build up my immune system and start on the next leg of my journey. For now and for the rest of my life I have to start thinking about being here and healthy for T & M as well as myself. I found out after being sick for months that I have a rather dysfunctional gallbladder, which adds to my list of issues, and crazy sinuses to boot. After having sinus surgery the day after my birthday last month I am honestly going to say there better be a pay-off for that experience. For weeks my face felt like it was hit by a baseball bat and I still don't have all of my senses of smell and taste back (5.5 weeks). SO ANNOYING! I can't wait to be out of high allergy season!! I am tired of being that girl, the one who is always sick and has a million health issues.

I have so many aspirations right now...I guess let's just go along for the ride and see where life takes me. :)

Next entry will hopefully be a short catch up on the past months and some goals for the next several months...