Ok, I have not perished or entered into the witness protection plan. However, I might have gotten a little lost along the way over the last several months. I have a couple of friends, let's just call them Lee and Cali, who have been very supportive about my blogging. I on the other hand have been lazy and have struggled with this notion. So much happens and I never seem to find the time to write about it or the will to tell a crazy tale. Theoretically I am supposed to be journaling to relieve my anxiety, so I would assume this could take its place (to some degree).
Tonight I had an anxiety attack and I really didn't appreciate it at all. For the record, they are not welcome visitors in any way...until now. Tonight I thought I was going to lose it and we would have to go to the ER for me to be sedated. And here I am, writing and doing alright. One could almost say that I had a breakthrough. I was watching a movie which I surmised to be a comedy and perhaps I should start reading the movie info before I decide what kind of movie it might be in the future. Everything's Fine is by no means a comedy unless the ending, which I did not watch, becomes funny. It is all about death, surviving the loss of a loved one, lying, and serious health issues.
The last item mentioned would be the most important for me (as well as the first). I am terrified (and I mean truly terrified in the seizing up way) of being somewhere and not being able to receive appropriate medical care for breathing or heart issues. Now I can't say that I haven't been able to get proper care as I have always been in the right place at the right time for everything. I feel like I am definitely reliving the nightmare after having Matt over and over again and I got wonderful care so promptly at that time.
I keep having that gut seizing fear that my breathing is going to be seriously compromised and my heart is going to fail and I will be out of luck. I will never be able to truly explain how I felt in those moments when my breathing was so labored and I was choking, while watching the oxygen saturation numbers go down into the low 70's without a clue as to the why. I know that I became combative (normal when O2 sat is that low) and was being introduced to the respiratory team in the ICU. That is the last thing I remember other than my Mom trying desperately to calm me and convince me to leave the O2 mask on or they would have to restrain me. It was almost comical to me that the nurse mentioned (while they rolled me in at neck-breaking speed) that they would have to put me in a room with a male and they hoped I would understand. I can honestly say at that moment the ONLY thing I was thinking about was my breathing and choking. It wasn't like we were going to be roomies and chat over magazines.
I woke up with a sense that things were drastically different then when I "went to sleep." My Mom was sitting right next to my bed and I knew that I was on a ventilator when I awoke. I was confused for obvious reasons and I had some serious catching up to do. I had a million and one questions to ask and no way to ask them. Someone kindly offered me some paper and a pen to start the process. I think the OB came first and I asked her what happened and could I have more children. Now why in God's name that would come up so quickly in my mind, I have not a clue in the world. I don't completely remember everything I wrote about or asked, however that answer is forever imprinted on my heart and soul. "No, you should never have another child again. It could kill you."
Now, frankly let's just say I have spent the first three years of my son's life in complete denial. I took precautions to not become pregnant, which was extremely painful because I wanted 4-6 kids with M just being my first. I refused to believe that my pregnancy caused the heart failure. Instead I decided with my multitude of medical knowledge that my sepsis clearly caused my heart and respiratory failure. Now to be honest I hadn't mentioned it until now because now I know, courtesy of an incredible cardiologist at Loyola that pregnancy is the real reason my heart failed. My heart was failing through the second half of my pregnancy. Devastating news in my world given to me almost a year after M was born. Now if you look up peripartum cardiomyopathy you will find support sites and research (although very little). What I chose to focus on were the sites that women went on and told their stories, mostly how they survived and went on to have more children.
So, last year when I got pregnant twice over (very much unplanned and unexpected) in the end I was going to be ok (thrilled) with it. After my second miscarriage I told my husband that I was not willing to go through that again, esp since that news came about after a dramatic hospitalization. The shock, the peace, the build-up and anticipation, the worry, the fear, then the horrible news, and lastly the incredible pain (physical and emotional) of going through a miscarriage was too much to keep doing. I needed to reassess. I still in my heart want children more than almost anything, although right now I am willing to focus on saving for a house and a new car, and gaining my health back one step at a time.
I am not sure the yearning to have more children will pass, however for now it is off the table. With the anxiety surrounding health issues I might very well be out of commission if I were to become pregnant. For the first time in my life (including the last 3.5 years) I am scared (um, probably trembling and terrified) of pregnancy. I am so incredibly envious of people who have had typical deliveries and no issues later. Though not for a second have I ever regretted having my son even if the experience almost killed me. His life is the greatest blessing in my life outside of my husband and my family, which as far as I am concerned includes many friends too.
I just wish for a time where I can be healthy and content, have a chance to build up my immune system and start on the next leg of my journey. For now and for the rest of my life I have to start thinking about being here and healthy for T & M as well as myself. I found out after being sick for months that I have a rather dysfunctional gallbladder, which adds to my list of issues, and crazy sinuses to boot. After having sinus surgery the day after my birthday last month I am honestly going to say there better be a pay-off for that experience. For weeks my face felt like it was hit by a baseball bat and I still don't have all of my senses of smell and taste back (5.5 weeks). SO ANNOYING! I can't wait to be out of high allergy season!! I am tired of being that girl, the one who is always sick and has a million health issues.
I have so many aspirations right now...I guess let's just go along for the ride and see where life takes me. :)
Next entry will hopefully be a short catch up on the past months and some goals for the next several months...