Caution: Rough Road Ahead

So, last night on the way home in the car with my Mom and my son, I saw this sign posted on a country back road that really made me think. My first thought went something like this..."What is so hard about fixing this road already? These stupid rough spot are killing the car's shocks etc."

Then I started to become a little more philosophical, which happens when I am very tired and ready to collapse these days. I began questioning how this idea fit into my life. At times things have seemed really rough, and I am not sure they always were but they seemed so at the time. Don't get me wrong things were rough after I had my son and there were crazy complications (I do believe heart and respiratory failure qualify). However, I have never worried a day in my life about where my food was going to come from or if I would have a bed to sleep on at night with a roof over my head. So, I guess I wonder how rough could it be?

However, I cannot ignore the emotional toll some things in life take on a person. I have a family member who has unfortunately been ill or had some serious medical problems for some time now. I am the main go-to person and lately I have been tired. I am so blessed and fortunate to be at a place in my life that I can help out and provide any and all assistance to this individual, however every once and awhile I want to scream.

My home is a mess and when I get around to cleaning and organizing its almost too far gone. Let's not even kid ourselves - my husband ends up doing plenty of cleaning as well. I won't even get started on how this lifestyle goes against my weak cooking efforts. I need all cylinders fired up and running for anything to happen in the kitchen.

At any rate I have been pondering this idea of a rough road all evening and into the morning now. I think that someone should have posted that sign in front of me many years ago. I keep thinking that if everything would just slow down and let me catch up, then (and only then) I would be able to feel prepared and ready to tackle problems. However, the reality is that sign is the honest to goodness truth. And the sign just serves as a friendly reminder to take it slow (or at least as slow as you can) and be aware.

I would like to think that fewer rough patches would help me out. And yet if I stop to think and am truly honest with myself I would realize that I cause some of my own issues. If I were to work out and watch what I eat I would most likely lose weight. By doing this I would probably shed a few small health problems with the pounds. Yet, my hand is currently about to reach for the jelly-filled doughnut. How does one explain this issue? Emotional dependency?

More frustration

I find myself to be at odds with myself these days. I think of weight loss and somehow (unbeknownst to me) I suddenly get very hungry and insist on eating ridiculous things (calorie laden things)! Why would I do such a thing, knowing that it won't help my chances of getting on the right track??? Excellent question.

Now, please, if someone has the answer feel free to fill me in on the secret. I am wondering if somehow I inadvertently think I am going to starve and never eat anything I like again if I am on the right track and losing weight. I like to work in black and white and not gray. Anyone who has known me for a while knows this too. That was the whole point of picking WW to be my guide in the quest to lose weight. If I follow this magical formula then, I too can look like Heidi Klum after several babies. Now for those of you who know me, that train left the station a LONG TIME AGO (long before I got married and pregnant). But at least I wanted to be well on my way to losing the first 10 pounds 5 weeks ago and look at what happened. I think I gained four pounds in the last five weeks!!!!

After four years of not having a winter coat, I finally accepted my size and went and bought a freaking winter coat. Now mind you I live in the Midwest where last year the true temperature was in the -20's for some time, the windchills were far lower than that. Now, I do realize that one might not call me a poster mother or the best example for my son when I go out in a mere fleece jacket and a flannel shirt in such weather. However, for the record I did bundle my little monster up so that no part of him was exposed; in fact, he was so bundled up that he could barely move some of the time. Back to my point-I bought the coat because I thought that if I accepted where I was finally then I could move forward and get where I want to get going.

Not working, just in case anyone was wondering. How can one know something intellectually and still feel paralyzed and not do anything? I know all of the wonderful things that can happen if I work hard on losing weight, however I can't seem to even get into a short rhythm going to make this happen. I just keep saying after this party, or after Labor Day, now I am wondering if it will even be in this month. I am the only one who can make this happen so we shall see what the next couple of days brings....

The ultimate frustration

So, I am not really sure where to begin...

I am itchy and really annoyed (I began here because I can't seem to ignore this one). I have hives on my feet and legs and I CAN'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY. In truth when the nurse said something about calling my internist if I had them for more than three days, I thought she was out of her mind. Day three has arrived and I thought we would have come to a much better place by now. ARGH!

So I just found out that my brother in-law and my sister in-law are having a baby girl. Good news, right? Of course it is. I am just having a difficult time jumping onboard the over-the-moon happiness train. I am happy for them, but sometimes I get stuck in the poor me routine. Poor, poor Kristin who can't seem to lose weight so she too might have a chance at having another child. After recent miscarriages, I am not too excited about the thought of getting pregnant if it means that I will lose another baby.

I don't even want to lose weight (I need to lose) under the guise of having another child truth be told. The likelihood that I will have another child seems slim. For now, I am unwilling to accept that notion. After I had my son I ended up in cardiac and respiratory failure, so not too many people are excited at the prospect of me getting pregnant. The doctor told me almost two years ago that we would have to "table" the converstation where we discuss my getting pregnant again. Now, after talking to the nurse practitioner that I deal with in the office, I have found out that the doctor is never going to want to have another discussion with me regarding pregnancy. No doctor in their right mind is going to say, "Sure Kristin you go ahead and get pregnant right now." Not if they are in their right mind.

There is no doctor that can guarantee an amazing outcome when the patient suffered greatly after a previous pregnancy like I did. Therefore, wouldn't it be foolish to give me the go-ahead? Probably, however any one who has known me for a while knows that I delight in foolishness aparently. All I can think of lately is how as soon as I lose the weight that I need to lose I will pass go and collect $200. I don't think about all of the other things that will be better if I lose the weight, such as my cardiovascular health, my cholesterol levels, my physical comfort, the condition of my knees, etc. Why is this?

Why can't I focus on the things that I almost know for certain will change with losing weight? Lately I have felt like my husband has helped me get to this point. I appreciate him saying that he loves me just the way I am. However, I DON'T love me just the way I am! I want to feel better physically, and I see T as not being very helpful. He sabotaged me the other day, truly he did. Under the guise of making me FEEL BETTER, he bought POTATO CHIPS and freaking FRENCH ONION DIP. What kind of husband does this to their wife?!?!?

Why not just have the wagon waiting for me, or perhaps he should rent out the crane. He was supposed to be helping me learn Weight Watchers. I don't think that eating french onion dip and chips will help me manage my daily points on the program. Yes, I know in theory one can eat anything they want to eat on the program, however I probably ate enough points for the better part of a week (if not the whole week). Now I do realize I am responsible for what I put into my mouth, however I like to narrow my options when I am at home to minimize the damage.

What am I to do?

Bleary Eyed & Rambling

Well this is my second morning in a row getting up before 5:00am to begin working. I have to say that the computer is a difficult thing to wrangle that early. It does things that I can't say I understand. :(

Although there is a certain peace that exists this early in my home. I just peeked into my bedroom to find my husband and son sleeping in the "big bed" as my two year old calls it. My munchkin loves to sleep his last couple of hours in our bed on the weekend and its fun. He likes to cozy up to us and be the sweetest boy ever.

There is nothing more that I could want for than the peace that I have right now. I get to listen to my music and work at the same time without any interruptions. It was strangely quiet last night when my son and husband were at my in-laws while I continued to work. Well I am off work now and ready to go and snuggle with my guys. :)

I just gotta say....

This funk that I am in has to end! I am so irritated and its rather ridiculous. It's been one of those days when nothing too horrible happened today per sea, however these feelings have probably been building up over the last week or so. I am going to visit a dear friend this week and I am irritated that she doesn't seem as excited or as enthusiastic as I would have expected her to be. Am I setting myself up for this?

The reality of the situation is I am my own worst enemy. Maybe I am not the best friend I can be. I would like to think that I do a fair enough job of being a good friend, however I have one friend who isn't terribly excited to see me and another who went out of town on a trip and I would have thought that's something that we would have talked about...

I don't understand!!! I need some of my friends to tell me if I am falling down on the job. If you are my friend, feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong. :(

A Free Weekend!

I am so excited that I have this weekend off from work! YAY! Not that I have been working forever, mind you. I have only been working a week and a half, however since the weekend is the main time my dear husband gets off as well, its pretty darn exciting. My Mom is taking us to a fancy steakhouse and frankly right now, I feel like I could use the pampering. And for no other reason other than its fun (instead of an ER visit), my son will spend the night at my in-laws. I love my son more than I could ever express, however I do look forward to time alone with my husband. We have both been under a little more stress, so it will be nice to talk and not be waylaid by an exuberant two-year old.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Long Day

So while I know that I am blessed, today is not one of those days when I truly felt that way. I was so tired when I woke up and then the day never let up. A couple of hours after I got up this morning I discovered my freezer was leaking water. Now I have to say, having been a little on the ignorant side I googled the problem. The problem wasn't so much leaking water as it was everything in my freezer thawing!!!

Now clearly the freezer did not understand (it being an inanimate object and everything) that money does not grow on trees. I cannot just replace all of the expensive food sitting in there right now! And now folks my useless ranting is over. I will be at peace with the newest bump in the road...

Life will always be an adventure and I just have to make sure I am ready for the ride.

Funny Friends

My stomach hurt on the way home today from a bridal shower, and while we ate at this shower it had nothing to do with the food in any way. Instead, it was because I got to visit with a few of my close friends and I laughed so hard for so long that I got a stomach ache. I have one friend in particular who is seriously hilarious. This friend, let's call her Lee, is one of my closest friends and I can't imagine my life without her. We have known each other for ten years now and it seems like just yesterday we were talking for hours in an alley getting to know one another. Now for the record this alley was brightly lit and it was dusk when we concluded our time together.

However, I digress, this woman is a phenomenal woman. I realized on my way home that I may have said a couple of things that could have embarrassed her and I really didn't mean to if I did. She says and does some truly funny and occasionally odd things and I find them completely endearing, it just makes her that much more lovable! Some of her mishaps make me feel so normal; there is many a time when I can see myself doing the exact same thing. Her faith oftens inspires and reminds me how to make it through the tough times. She is a fantastic friend!

In fact when she lived in the next state over and I had my son a few years ago, she made an incredible effort to come not once, not twice, but three times over the course of three weeks. Lee followed us home from the hospital (after bringing us a non-hospital approved lunch) and basically hauled me into my bed to tuck me in while my husband was out getting my pain pills.

Now I don't want it to seem like no else helped me out, because there was an army helping us during this time to make things work. It was just so touching how she made the trek to another state week after week. I felt so completely loved by her and special. I guess that this brings me to the point of this post, I truly hope that the people in my life feel loved by me as well. I know I embarrass people with my moronic behavior etc, however I just pray that those who are close to me know I say things out of love.

I love you Lee and I am so grateful to have you in my life!!!

So last night I think my husband wanted to knock me out to get me to sleep. I actually got so irritated with his snoring (which I am sure he will deny even doing) that I actually moved his pillow and gently (at least I hope it was) moved his head. IT WAS KILLING ME!!!! I was desperately trying to sleep with absolutely no luck and all I could hear was the bulldozer sound next to me. When I first heard the sound I thought my phone was ringing in the far-off distance, which would be rather funny.

Now I would not consider myself to be a mean person, however I was feeling mean, mean, mean last night. I wanted to just knock him upside the head, however my niceness somehow prevailed. But I will say I really wanted to laugh when he looked up at me a little confused at how he was suddenly awake. I suppose he thought that I must have bumped him when I was tossing and turning and obsessing.

Amazing

God's grace is so completely amazing!!! My husband and I had an incredible time last night, which was beyond our wildest expectations. We met up with a couple of people and it rocked. There was a peace last night when the four of us got together that we had been missing for over a year and a half. I was anxious before we met to the point I was certain that if I ate I would throw up all over these people. And anyone who knows me should know that if I don't eat, something is very wrong with me, obviously I must be ill.

I was so afraid that we would walk away in a worse place then the mess we were already in. That was my ultimate fear. Nothing like that happened, instead it was more than I had hoped for all of this time. I got two of my friends back, and I was so completely thrilled (and relieved). These are two wonderful people who I am glad to have back in my life. They are loving, loyal, deeply faithful people. These people are about to have a baby and I could not be more happy for them. I hope and pray that everything continues to go well.

So, now I would like to say "mission accomplished," however I think I will just say that this mission is underway. We have a lot to catch up on, so it could take awhile to caught up again. However, from last night forward my approach for these relationships will be respectful and loving. Contrary to what I thought I was capable of giving, I trust these people completely. God has given me a gift that I cannot ignore. I feel elated to be able to have this love and trust in my heart. I have faith that God will forever be in our hearts and in our relationships with each other.

Now I guess I have to focus on the next big thing! August 1st is fast approaching!! :)

Feeling peaceful

While I was driving home this morning from dropping my son off at my in-law's house I was struck with how peaceful I felt. I don't know if being able to play my music in the car helped or it was the amazingly beautiful weather outside. Regardless of what it was that lead me to feel this way, I will be thankful. Whenever I feel peace in my heart, my day is so much easier. Today will most likely be filled with highs and lows, some of which I am looking forward to, others not so much.

I get to have lunch with an old friend and her family (with their NEW BABY)! Who could not be excited about that prospect? :) I will spend some time with my Mom, which should be enjoyable. And last but not least my husband and I will meet up with people to have a heart-to-heart discussion. While I look to make peace with this couple this evening, I am also hoping that there will be no more additional damage done to this already extremely fragile relationship. My greatest fear is that these individuals will not hear what is in our hearts (because my mouth might get in the way for my part). I don't necessarily always have this problem, however it seems to happen regularly with these particular individuals.

I will be praying most of the day, as I have been for months now, that God will lift my heart and help me to express myself in a loving and respectful way. Most of my closer friends question why I even bother with this issue. One of my character traits (and what many would consider a weakness) has always been to seek resolution when there is conflict and apologize when there is hurt. However, I have been told that there is no point because my friends believe the other people to be insincere. How could anyone know this? Only God knows what is in this couple's hearts and frankly, I would not consider myself to be even close to understanding others as God does.

I am not going to say what will be, will be, however I will say that I will attempt to meet the challenge I am faced with as I mentioned in my last post. May God watch over me and continue to guide me to a life lead in God's image.

On another note, may God please watch over my husband's family members as they begin to feel the loss of a wonderful woman who was a mother, sister, wife, and grandmother. May Eleanor be received into the greatest kingdom there is ever to be. And may God watch over our family that is traveling today both to come to be together to honor and celebrate Eleanor's life and those who are on a little trip up north (my son and mother in-law, etc).

The beginning....

So I have felt as if I have been at a crossroads for quite some time and I have resisted doing anything about it. How does one avoid this you ask? I figured I could sit at an intersection for a while to see what pattern the traffic was following (virtually forever) in order to decide which road to take. However, sitting in one place has never really let me move forward or backwards. Funny how that works....

Tomorrow I embark on a healing mission, one that many in my life disagree with my doing. However, the issue at hand has weighed heavily on my heart and soul for between one and a half to two years. Now is the time God is calling me to work this out to the best of my ability. I feel that I am being challenged to listen more and talk less, be patient and not rush to conclusions, be genuine and true of heart instead of insincere, and remember how to truly forgive and not hold onto the pain. It seems so easy, but after being hurt so deeply, I am struggling. This conflict between people and within myself has been killing part of my heart slowly but surely.

I want to hear those magic words, "I'm sorry for hurting you for so long," however I don't know if I will be on the receiving end of such words. Which leads me to wonder if I can express this very sentiment without knowing if the other person is equally sad about hurting my feelings. The reality is that I let myself be hurt by this person's actions, they did not straight out hurt me as only I control my feelings.

I have prayed about these issues that I have both with these two people and the problems that I have with myself as well. I feel like God has been watching me sitting there frozen for some time and wondering what else can be done to reach me. What else can God do to help me realize that I have all of the faith I need to move on and choose a path for myself? And I find myself relying on a saying that I learned on a retreat ten years ago during college, "Let go, let God."

So, tomorrow I will pray and remember that God is forever going to be there for me, encouraging me to recall who is in control of the feelings in my heart. I may not be in control of many things in my life, but how I deal with these issues and how I treat these people are completely in my control. Hopefully I will continue to learn how to be humble and do as Jesus did.

So as of tomorrow I will begin to work on remembering what it is to live in God's image, the one God intended not the one I have created. I am embarking on a life-changing mission as of this week and weekend. I love beginning things on particular or special days, like the first day of a week or month, so I will spend the rest of the week awaiting Saturday, August 1, 2009 to arrive. I am going to think about that day as a "Grand Reawakening" and go from there. I have been praying and thinking about this for some time and at this point I have realized that it is now or never to make my move.

So while I have some specific goals to achieve in the remainder of this year until next August 1st, my ultimate goal will be to learn how to have peace and joy in my life (and in my heart). One of the more superficial missions has to do with health, for example losing weight would be at the top of the list. Other goals have to do what I want for my family for the future, such as solidifying a foundation for my young marriage of almost four years and my two year-old son. One goal or mission always seems to run into the next, so we'll see where this leads me...

My aim in this blog is to share my successes and frustrations along the way, knowing that everything happens for a reason and God will always be there to guide me if I remember to seek God out.