So I have felt as if I have been at a crossroads for quite some time and I have resisted doing anything about it. How does one avoid this you ask? I figured I could sit at an intersection for a while to see what pattern the traffic was following (virtually forever) in order to decide which road to take. However, sitting in one place has never really let me move forward or backwards. Funny how that works....
Tomorrow I embark on a healing mission, one that many in my life disagree with my doing. However, the issue at hand has weighed heavily on my heart and soul for between one and a half to two years. Now is the time God is calling me to work this out to the best of my ability. I feel that I am being challenged to listen more and talk less, be patient and not rush to conclusions, be genuine and true of heart instead of insincere, and remember how to truly forgive and not hold onto the pain. It seems so easy, but after being hurt so deeply, I am struggling. This conflict between people and within myself has been killing part of my heart slowly but surely.
I want to hear those magic words, "I'm sorry for hurting you for so long," however I don't know if I will be on the receiving end of such words. Which leads me to wonder if I can express this very sentiment without knowing if the other person is equally sad about hurting my feelings. The reality is that I let myself be hurt by this person's actions, they did not straight out hurt me as only I control my feelings.
I have prayed about these issues that I have both with these two people and the problems that I have with myself as well. I feel like God has been watching me sitting there frozen for some time and wondering what else can be done to reach me. What else can God do to help me realize that I have all of the faith I need to move on and choose a path for myself? And I find myself relying on a saying that I learned on a retreat ten years ago during college, "Let go, let God."
So, tomorrow I will pray and remember that God is forever going to be there for me, encouraging me to recall who is in control of the feelings in my heart. I may not be in control of many things in my life, but how I deal with these issues and how I treat these people are completely in my control. Hopefully I will continue to learn how to be humble and do as Jesus did.
So as of tomorrow I will begin to work on remembering what it is to live in God's image, the one God intended not the one I have created. I am embarking on a life-changing mission as of this week and weekend. I love beginning things on particular or special days, like the first day of a week or month, so I will spend the rest of the week awaiting Saturday, August 1, 2009 to arrive. I am going to think about that day as a "Grand Reawakening" and go from there. I have been praying and thinking about this for some time and at this point I have realized that it is now or never to make my move.
So while I have some specific goals to achieve in the remainder of this year until next August 1st, my ultimate goal will be to learn how to have peace and joy in my life (and in my heart). One of the more superficial missions has to do with health, for example losing weight would be at the top of the list. Other goals have to do what I want for my family for the future, such as solidifying a foundation for my young marriage of almost four years and my two year-old son. One goal or mission always seems to run into the next, so we'll see where this leads me...
My aim in this blog is to share my successes and frustrations along the way, knowing that everything happens for a reason and God will always be there to guide me if I remember to seek God out.