Feeling sick...

So I am up in the middle of the night worrying. I know that I am not alone and that there is someone else doing the same thing somewhere in the great big ol' world. However, there is not much I can seem to do to comfort myself. It has been a rough day and I don't really know how to even express myself. So, I will do the best I can to explain my frustration and worry.

I went to my doctor's office to have a follow-up visit earlier this morning. Funny enough I thought I had this one all figured out and low and behold it couldn't have been further from the truth. My heart is aching and truly pounding. My anxiety level is pretty high and I would be lying if I said I see this as getting better quickly. I might have made a BIG mistake this evening causing and intensifying the feelings I am overwhelmed with right now. I know better than to look up medical issues on the internet and yet I just told myself I would just check one thing on my labs that my doctor didn't mention for some odd reason. I was curious what it meant. Should have stayed away like I promised myself I would do.

All I did was seriously cause myself serious stress and anxiety. As I read those letters that made up the words I could have passed out. For as long as I can remember I have rejoiced in the possibilities, earning lots of money, buying my first house, my future with a family, etc. I knew that the possibilities were endless. What I didn't always count on was life and how my choices played into that scenario. Now this may start to look like a personal bashing or a pity party. However, I would say I just really recently starting taking some responsibility for my actions, short term and long term. I have always thought that you could just get back on track and fix everything pretty easily. There were no real hurdles that one couldn't get past. In otherwords I thought that if I took my medicine as directed which I have struggled with for many, and I mean many years, then everything would be righted again. I would lose weight, save money, and be healthy (and much thinner).

Now I would say I knew I was never going to be a supermodel, but I didn't realize the hole I began digging for myself. A hole that could become a early grave. Sounds ridiculous I suppose but at the weight I am with the heart history I have and the recent discoveries of my lab results, I should be thankful I am still kicking. There are no words to explain the onslaught of anxiety this doctor's visit has caused me. I have been feeling like the world as I know it is changing before my very eyes. I want to strike and not go to the specialists and the pharmacist. The medical insurance industry winces and cries when they see my name on their current enrollment list. I am the person who utilizes the full benefits of my insurance coverage.

This year alone I have had two nuclear tests, one echo cardiogram, numerous blood tests, almost endless antibiotics, specialist visits, surgeon consults, one sinus surgery, one CT scan, one upper endoscopy, and close to weekly visits to my internist. Seriously, who knows all of the names of the people in their doctor's office?!?!? Oh and did I mention I have had at least two visits of my own to the ER? Probably not.

It's July. All of this happened over the last six months. And because of this I am the walking wounded. I am shaky and incredibly edgy. Now what everyone should be aware of is that everything that I was told this morning can be handled and my doc is great so I have a great deal of confidence in her. As four of my close family members have pointed out so kindly is that all of these issues are highly treatable. I have scripts for each issue and some basic instructions and additional testing I need to do before I see my beloved internist again. Having said that I am freaked out. I don't know too many 31 year-olds who have been through some of this crap. Right now I am on medicine to relieve my acid reflux, protect my heart muscle, relieve allergy symptoms (3 different ones), and an antibiotic to annihilate my sinus infection that refuses to pay rent. Plus I recently started a multi vitamin in an effort to do something in addition to give my body some little advantage. Now in my past life I have super sucked at taking medicine and anyone who has known me for awhile, knows that I try and then I get forgetful, and I mean REALLY forgetful.

I decided I felt fine awhile back and quit making any attempts to take my heart medication because that's what denial has done to me. With the mystery illness that I have had for the better part of this past year I suddenly scared myself into taking them. Now most would say that fear as a motivator is a poor choice. I just figured that fear was what was going to get me on the train and will power and dedication would keep me on. So here I am three (or four) months later and indeed I have been very faithful with few exceptions. Because like I said earlier taking my medication would automatically allow me to pass go and collect $200, or at least that's how my mind was working all of this time. I started religiously brushing my teeth (like my orthodontist would adore) because I found out that oral hygiene was very connected to heart health.

I also recently began eating far more organic food to try and rid my bodies of any crazy chemicals from pesticides. In addition to eating differently I made an action plan about my weight with regards to working out. I am holding myself accountable by paying a load of money for a personal trainer. I hate throwing away money, so I would need a really good reason to miss those appts. And part of the agreement with the trainer is to work out on my own so she will be checking in. Right now I would be seriously embarrassed in the first week if I already failed my early assignments.

BTW - Did I mention that I am also the person that thinks that everything can be reversed and worked with given some time? That translates into me saying I can fix everything that is wrong very quickly and easily. I just recently got the memo that changing really takes ALOT of work and dedication. I actually have to give up my comforts and seek out a new lifestyle. Sounds almost like fun, and I bet that parts of it will be. But what I also am learning is that life with medical issues is not all that it cracked up to be. It can be scary and unpredictable and unnerving. This whole thing makes me feel weak and somehow in all of it I know that I am strong. Whatever, and I mean whatever, the results from these latest tests have told me, the one thing that paperwork didn't mention was my will. I will not be beaten down for long...I am forever optimistic. It may take me a week or two to really wrap my brain around how I am feeling as I know the shock is wearing off now.

And funny enough I will be trying my best to not use the internet as a tool containing information regarding these tests and results. Why do I have a doctor if I think I can diagnose myself? It's like what I wrote in a previous post regarding my son, why would I sign him up for tumbling if I actually thought he could pull off a somersault??? What a waste of money that would have been. So clearly my insurance and my out-of-pocket money are buying something at this doc's office (and I don't mean her car or house). I am supposed to depend on her to lead me through these health issues as well as her staff. So tomorrow (or rather later today) I will be calling the nurse to ask her some additional questions so I don't drive myself crazier than I already am. I am hoping I don't come off as a crazed, anxious patient who is worrying unnecessarily. I want to know that there is some level of understanding on the other side of the telephone, which I am pretty sure there will be.

So in the meantime I will be visiting a nearby pharmacy tomorrow and seek out the three new medications I have to start and learn how to live with it. There are some interesting directions with the meds this time, so it will take some planning which has not been my strong suit in recent years. However, this has to be different. The entire issue has to be handled differently than I have done so in the past. It has to actually be taken care of and figured out and not stuffed in the back of the cabinet or closet waiting to be seen and heard. I will be taking this medicine and I will start loving it. Because these new meds just actually give me a new lease on life.

So now my eyes are tired enough that I am going to attempt to sleep. I hope there is some mercy tonight and I can just fall asleep quickly. Please God, pretty please with a cherry on top!!!

More frustration

I find myself to be at odds with myself these days. I think of weight loss and somehow (unbeknownst to me) I suddenly get very hungry and insist on eating ridiculous things (calorie laden things)! Why would I do such a thing, knowing that it won't help my chances of getting on the right track??? Excellent question.

Now, please, if someone has the answer feel free to fill me in on the secret. I am wondering if somehow I inadvertently think I am going to starve and never eat anything I like again if I am on the right track and losing weight. I like to work in black and white and not gray. Anyone who has known me for a while knows this too. That was the whole point of picking WW to be my guide in the quest to lose weight. If I follow this magical formula then, I too can look like Heidi Klum after several babies. Now for those of you who know me, that train left the station a LONG TIME AGO (long before I got married and pregnant). But at least I wanted to be well on my way to losing the first 10 pounds 5 weeks ago and look at what happened. I think I gained four pounds in the last five weeks!!!!

After four years of not having a winter coat, I finally accepted my size and went and bought a freaking winter coat. Now mind you I live in the Midwest where last year the true temperature was in the -20's for some time, the windchills were far lower than that. Now, I do realize that one might not call me a poster mother or the best example for my son when I go out in a mere fleece jacket and a flannel shirt in such weather. However, for the record I did bundle my little monster up so that no part of him was exposed; in fact, he was so bundled up that he could barely move some of the time. Back to my point-I bought the coat because I thought that if I accepted where I was finally then I could move forward and get where I want to get going.

Not working, just in case anyone was wondering. How can one know something intellectually and still feel paralyzed and not do anything? I know all of the wonderful things that can happen if I work hard on losing weight, however I can't seem to even get into a short rhythm going to make this happen. I just keep saying after this party, or after Labor Day, now I am wondering if it will even be in this month. I am the only one who can make this happen so we shall see what the next couple of days brings....

I just gotta say....

This funk that I am in has to end! I am so irritated and its rather ridiculous. It's been one of those days when nothing too horrible happened today per sea, however these feelings have probably been building up over the last week or so. I am going to visit a dear friend this week and I am irritated that she doesn't seem as excited or as enthusiastic as I would have expected her to be. Am I setting myself up for this?

The reality of the situation is I am my own worst enemy. Maybe I am not the best friend I can be. I would like to think that I do a fair enough job of being a good friend, however I have one friend who isn't terribly excited to see me and another who went out of town on a trip and I would have thought that's something that we would have talked about...

I don't understand!!! I need some of my friends to tell me if I am falling down on the job. If you are my friend, feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong. :(

Long Day

So while I know that I am blessed, today is not one of those days when I truly felt that way. I was so tired when I woke up and then the day never let up. A couple of hours after I got up this morning I discovered my freezer was leaking water. Now I have to say, having been a little on the ignorant side I googled the problem. The problem wasn't so much leaking water as it was everything in my freezer thawing!!!

Now clearly the freezer did not understand (it being an inanimate object and everything) that money does not grow on trees. I cannot just replace all of the expensive food sitting in there right now! And now folks my useless ranting is over. I will be at peace with the newest bump in the road...

Life will always be an adventure and I just have to make sure I am ready for the ride.